apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
