trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
