I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
NoShamevember. You game?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
