Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
