WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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