He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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