that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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