I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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