Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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