I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
