I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
