All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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