So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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