you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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