U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
no, he came in my armpit
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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