Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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