Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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