um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
