i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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