She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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