Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have so many feelings about this burrito
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
