you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
