The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
