Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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