I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
handjob tips. give me some.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
