Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
