I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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