my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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