Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
