My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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