Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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