Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
