Christians are straight up FREAKS
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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