Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
