First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
