You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
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Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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