Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
