Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
