I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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