if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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