Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
