My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
