I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
