What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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