garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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