Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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