in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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