it was like his penis was on wheels.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
