now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
