apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
