I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
