Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
