I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
