ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
